How to Enjoy the Holiday Season (staying sane & Sober)

November 2017 (updated Nov. 2018) 

I’ll start by saying I’m not so naive to think that everyone spends holidays with lots of family around. Some people opt out of going home for the holidays or simply don’t have a family to go home to. I write this for the category of people who are going to spend time this season seeing lots of family and old friends. 

Just as much as the holiday season can bring a sense of cheer and generosity, it can also bring a sense of dread and bitterness as we walk into environments that may be highly emotionally charged. 

This year will be my 8th sober Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are a few things I’ve learned over these last few years that have allowed me to actually enjoy this special time of year and feel jolly during most of it. Or if nothing else, I get through it with considerably less heartache.

I’ve come to view my sobriety, especially during the holidays, as a special superpower. Because when I’m enjoying myself on Christmas morning, watching my nieces and nephews delight in their gifts from Santa, it’s true and real enjoyment. If I was drinking Irish coffee or eggnog for breakfast, it would be fake blunted joy and really only to help relieve the hangover from drinking too much cabernet the night before at Christmas Eve dinner. 

I’ll tell you a secret: being conscious for shit is incredible. Fully engaging in intimate conversation fills the void of disconnection that no amount of wine or sugar cookies will fill. This is what sobriety allows us.

My emotional well-being can be at odds during the holidays because of all the triggers, old patterns playing out, and family drama. It’s common to revert to possibly how you acted when you were 3 and get stuck in a reactive mode (involving people-pleasing, caretaking, adult temper tantrums, numbing out, etc.) You too?

So I find Don Miguel Ruiz’s 4 agreements particularly helpful at Thanksgiving/Christmakwanzakuh dinner, especially these first two:

1. Don’t Take Anything Personally: What people say & do to you has WAY more to do with them than you. Don’t take what’s not yours, including other people’s projections.

2. Don’t Make Assumptions: Don’t make up stories in your head and then operate from that place, as if it’s absolute truth (cause it’s not). Ask questions when you don’t know or need clarity. Direct communication for the win.

3. Be Impeccable with your Word: Say what you mean & mean what you say. Walk away from gossip.

4. Always do your best: Default to self-compassion 100% of the time.

Ceasing to react is the key here: to what your drunk uncle said to you about how you’re still not married or what your judgmental sister might be thinking about you or what your in-laws passive aggressive body language could mean. Being impeccable with your word involves speaking from integrity & not stirring the pot. I realize it’s difficult and might be opposite from how you’ve been acting all these years. Try it though. This can be an experiment. 

And when I check-in with myself and notice I’m starting to lose my zen, I will: 

1. Excuse myself and take a walk--a couple minutes of fresh air, breathing, and quiet time WORKS WONDERS.

2. Go rest in the RESTROOM for a couple minutes (isn’t that what they’re for?) (also, an introverts hiding spot.)

3. Simply give myself permission to turn in & go to bed early. (see boundaries)

Whatever I need to do to take care of myself (you are allowed to take care of yourself, yes--even during the holidays) in the moment is what I do. It just involves knowing what that is. These 3 things allow me to pause and then choose the best response, instead of engaging in old knee-jerk reactions as soon as my buttons are pushed, potentially resulting in a world war III that nobody really wants. 

Also, you might get lots of invitations for holiday parties in the span of 2 months. I give you permission not to go if you don’t actually want to go. A party that feels like an obligation is not a party.

It’s interesting what happens when you start listening to your needs and honoring what you hear. 

I started declining invitations in the last 2 years and the effects have been life-changing, namely having more time for what actually fills up my soul instead of reluctantly giving away hours of my life for a soul-sucking obligation party. If you MUST go (maybe it's a business function), see my post about the 3 ways to ace sober small talk. 

Can you comment & tell me your favorite way to not just survive, but ENJOY, the holidays?